Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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