can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
