Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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