I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize