ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
