There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
