you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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