Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
