At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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