I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ttyl tear gas
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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