It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
