He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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