Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
