I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
