last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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