your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
