So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
