why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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