Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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