i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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