where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
