3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
