I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
