a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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