Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Randomize
