I am puke
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
