Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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