I think i peed on brittanys purse
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
