I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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