Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
