Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
