Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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