is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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