I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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