the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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