In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
