Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
