Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
