I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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