my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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