I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
