youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
