I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
