sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
