I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
