please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
