Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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