I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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