meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
