If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just pee around me
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
