Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
