So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You're completely useless in the revolution.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
