remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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