at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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