Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize