Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize