I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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