I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Damn victory sex feels great
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