five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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