Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
