grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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