I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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