Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
