Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
