i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize