Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The Olympian is in my bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
